Title of this post happens to be what I keep hearing everywhere around me or I sense it being said silently when people talk with me. The phrase it seems is laced with bleakness and defeat - even if we go by the dictionary perhaps. But I carry my own Dreamer's Unabridged Collegiate Dictionary. The lexicographer in me has different connotations for such words and idioms than what was perceived by my counterpart in real world. To me "back to square one" means, yes, I am back from where I started but the meaning is not one-dimensional. I am back where I started with more knowledge. I am wiser. I know so much more about my body. I know so much more about how mind helps healing. I know so much more about all you well-wishers and how you kept praying for me perpetually. I am back to square one with more wisdom and more fortitude. I am back with more tenacity to battle this disease and never let it trounce my inner happiness.
Just a few days back a dear friend of mine visited me and we all started talking about Mount Rainier in Seattle. This mountain is huge enough to have its say on the climate surrounding it. That's what I am striving to become. I always want to be enwrapped in my own weather - a weather of happiness and tranquility. Let the doctors come and sigh pitifully at me. Let them impart the grimmest of news, I want to be under my own weather impervious to my surroundings. It goes without saying that you all will play a key role in making me maintain such a weather.
The next few days will unravel the next journey I have to embark on. Like a game, it is now at a level higher with more risk and requiring more experience. I feel I have that. I will not cave in under pressure.
Chances are I will be going for a chemotherapy really soon - maybe in next few days. My blood sample has already boarded the flight to New York to find a good Samaritan who matches it. MUD transplant is what we are looking for. MUD stands for Matched Unrelated Donor. Since neither my sibling nor my maternal cousins' marrow can be donated to me I have to look for an unrelated donor. A 10-by-10 match is preferred but a 9-by-10 match can also work. The process is going to be slow so we all need to be extremely patient.
The forecast in my world for coming days is "warm, sunny and clear skies" so don't worry :).
Hats off to your determination and self confidence. I have heard over the period of time that inner will definately plays a vital role during such conditions and when we all are in negativity you are keeping the postivity with you and I think we all must learn a lesson from you. you have explained the meaning of "back to square one" like a real fighter.
ReplyDeleteI think we have to play like we have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Wishing your weather the much needed warmth. Best of luck for the next round of Chemo. we will be waiting for the next update obviously with all the positive aspects.
Kartik you raise the bar higher for all of us. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteThanks Milind, Grant. I hope I can live up to the higher bar I am setting :).
ReplyDeleteChi Kartik
ReplyDeleteCudos for your courage and inner spirit. Milind is very right. Many people have to learn much from you while the things seem to be grave. As Sugnafai I wish to rename you as you are havig really a new birth. Your life, thinking and spirit have relapsed with more vigour and spirit. We still wish your health to be back to square one and get status quo ante that is before twenty years.
We are still sure that the persons like you will servive any kind of onslaught ofcourse with good wishes and blessings from every corner.
Sugnafai Fua
Kartik,
ReplyDeletehttp://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51MXR461WGL._SL500_AA240_.jpg
http://redhattitudes.com/media/ecardsimages/hatsoff.jpg
Thanks Sugnafai.
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ReplyDelete:) Interesting subject for a book, Farah.
ReplyDeletei would rather replace the world hats off used by milind as tents off (tambu) for your courage. if milind and i and many like us are teachers at any kind of university level, i put you as far higher and taller teacher than us. many times i teach students some new aspects of life but now some thing new to teach from what i learn from you. another prayer is due and that is to be maintain you courageous for all of us. Gaurangbhai.
ReplyDeleteremember in snakes and ladders (at least the kiddie one), you slide down the snake, back near "square one" but then you get the chance to get to 7 in few moves and shwooop, you go right to 92 and then cruise to victory.
ReplyDeletestay strong. the ladder is just a few steps ahead.
Dear Kartikbhai
ReplyDeleteA Belated Happy B'day to You :) I have always believed that birthdays are pretty cool and usually bring in a miracle or two with them. Sure blow the candle and all ...but even if that wish doesnt come true ...something better's in store ...right around the corner ! Its like u go looking for a really nice top in Macys ...u find it and are about to buy it ....but its too expensive (you are in two minds) ..but u dont lose hope and wait for a few days and go to JC Penney ...Bingo :) ..you find a better top and pay less ! Make sense ? Its a weird analogy :P but TRUE. Best, DHITI
So true, Fario. It is indeed like a game of snakes and ladder :).
ReplyDeleteDhiti, great analogy! :)
Dear Kartik,
ReplyDeleteWith the prayers of all around and with your amazing determination and persistence, I am sure you will be able to overcome this minor setback. Your courage and optimism is a great example and an inspiration to all of us.
Way to go Kartik.
ReplyDeleteThe weather man is usually way off mark. Didn't he look at the rain, the clouds and the winds and predicts a cyclone today?
Ha! Instead its a bright sun shiny day... just like it will be for you soon.
Keep the faith Kartik. You know we're all rooting for you!
May your positive attitude help you heal faster. Your attitude is encouraging to us who take everything for granted and keep on finding faults with things. You are a source of inspiration to all of us.
ReplyDeleteKartik :
ReplyDeleteLong back I had written a short story about a couple who go on a road trip to save their marriage and get lost in the fog. They find their love for each other again and the story ended:
"We drove back in the morning. The road was still foggy and treacherous. But when you have been over it once, it is not so difficult."
Somehow was reminded of this. There is a twisting & turning road ahead but we will get there.
Thanks Komal, Yogini and Rajesh. I shall give it my best effort :).
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